Tips for being a new mummy

As our friend Steven has predicted our blog has degenerated into a baby-site. But as the first of all my girlfriends to get knocked up, I thought it would be my duty to impart my wisdom for future generations of new mummies. Here are my tips.

1. This seems ridiculous, but if you buy any baby product, read the instructions before the birth. It'll give you something to do while off work. We bought some baby wash and didn't realise til Betty Jean was in the water screaming that we had no idea how much to use. Try reading size 6 print while holding a wet screaming baby. They scream louder when they realise they have incompetents for parents.

2. Put on your mascara/straighten your hair/wear nice underpants as much as possible. Try to keep something of your beauty routine even in the first few days. Anything that makes you feel like more of a human being in the first few days will be worth the effort. Oh, and there will be hundreds of photos of you looking your worst if you don't bother to lippy-up.

3. Re: the above point, try to emerge from the bathroom with as much done as possible - try to brush your teeth, put on some slap, get as dressed as you can. Inevitably, once you come out of the bathroom you won't get a chance to go back in.

4. Ask people well before the birth not to send congratulations cards - ask them to send over a meal! Something you can put in the microwave. Preferably with plenty of fibre. This is gross, but if you have had an episiotomy and 3 days of hospital food, the prospect of the first movement is actually more terrifying than the birth.

5. Get as much help with breastfeeding as you can. It's hard and it does hurt. But once you get help from an expert, it's easy and doesn't hurt. I hate to sound ungrateful, but the free help you get is just enough to make sure your baby survives the first few days out of hospital - they have no regard for the state of your nipples. Get professional help if you can afford it - if not, sell something. Try not to twist your back in the first weeks even if you have never had any back problems. You'll see what I mean.

6. Contrary to what you'll read, it's not the best idea to let the housework go. It's bloody depressing when you've had no sleep and you're housebound to be living in a shitfight. If you're strapped for time, get a cleaner to come in.

7. Go out with baby and family as soon as possible after the birth. We went out to the park on day 2, and out for dinner at week 2. Mum forced us and I am glad she did. Find somewhere kid friendly but not so kid friendly that you get PND. Book and tell them you have a big pram and need a table with lots of space. Somewhere dark-ish is also good for breastfeeding in public for the first time.